‘Does this look infected to you?’ Charlie & Alan’s Best Moments 👀 Two and a Half Men | TV Land

‘Does this look infected to you?’ Charlie & Alan’s Best Moments 👀 Two and a Half Men | TV Land


– A misogynist? You’re saying I’m a misogynist? – Yes, Charlie, you are a misogynist. – Pfft, I’m a misogynist? I’m a misogynist? That is really low, Alan, calling your own brother a misogynist. G-I-N or G-E-N? (audience laughing) Alan, does this look infected to you? – What? Oh! Get that away from me. – I’m not asking you to tickle it. Just take a look. – No thank you. – But you’re a doctor. – I’m a chiropractor. I work with vertebrae. And contrary to popular belief, there’s not a single bone in the penis. No, I can’t undo my pants or anything. – Where are we headed with this, Alan? – You said you’d help me. – I was thinking more like
I can make you a sandwich. – Charlie! – Hey, hey, hey, I am not
reaching into your pants. – Well, what am I supposed to do? – Go stand in the surf. – Come on, grow up. – Where are you going? – To the bathroom, now
come on and unzip me. – Just like that, right to it? No dinner, no movie? – [Alan] Charlie! – Hold on. Coming! (tongs clacking) – Let me tell you about
your uncle Charlie. He puts on a happy face, but, you know, on the inside,
he is a sad, lonely man. (audience laughing) (phone ringing) – It’s mom. – Say hi for me. – Hi, mom. Alan wants to talk to you. – What are you doing? – What does it look like I’m doing? – I’d rather not say. The thing is, Melissa
and I have this chemistry and it’s really hard not to act on it. – Yeah, it’s tough when you work together. – Right. – You don’t crap where you eat. – I know. – You don’t dip your pen in company ink. And you never bang a woman
who owns a snake or a bird. (audience laughing) – What? – They’re usually nuts. – Hi, Chester. – How am I supposed to hide him? – Sit under him with a pale
and pretend he’s a cow. – Coming! Please. – Man. Come on, Bullwinkle. (grunting) (audience laughing) – So what’s in the bag? – Sperm. – No, really. – Sperm. – Whose sperm? – Seabiscuit’s, who do you think? Mine. – I thought we were going to a movie. – Yeah, but first I’m
having my sperm frozen and getting a vasectomy. – Ah. I could’ve met you at
the theater, you know. – Just hold the bag. – There is another container
inside this bag, right? – Of course. You just gotta keep it
out of the sunlight. – Why? Is it vampire sperm? Oh, oh, you just missed it. Jon Stewart made a very clever joke about the budget deficit. (audience laughing) – Swell. Get dressed, we’re going dancing. – Yeah, right. Toaster pizza? – No. Come on, let’s go. – You serious? – Yes. – But it’s after 11:00
and I’m all tucked in. – Too bad. – I’m drinking nighty-night tea. – Come on, Robin wants to go dancing and I’m gonna need a designated driver. – Hey, just ’cause you’re
making a fool of yourself trying to keep up with a 24-year-old girl doesn’t mean I have to join you. – She has a 24-year-old girl friend. – Is it dressy-dressy or dressy-casual? – Jake forgot his math book. I’m gonna run it over to Judith’s. – No, no, no, no, no,
you can’t go to Judith’s. The surprise is ready now. – Okay, what is it? – Tada! (audience laughing) – Oh, for God’s sake. – Wait, there’s more. Twins, Alan! I got them for you but
you can share if you want. – Charlie, no. – Fine, you can have ’em both. Bad luck to split sisters anyway. ♪ Men ♪


45 thoughts on “‘Does this look infected to you?’ Charlie & Alan’s Best Moments 👀 Two and a Half Men | TV Land

  1. Charlie is a sleazeball. How Alan put up with him as his brother. Lol. But I loved this show. Great laughs. I hope and pray Charlie Sheen is doing better healthwise. My prayers to him and his family. 😍

  2. I don't care what anybody says I think that's funny stuff Two and a Half Men and Charlie Harper got me through some dark days in my life I'm on the other side now and I still think it's funny

  3. Charlie may have been a pompous, over confident, drug addict asshole, but the show WAS better with him than without him…

  4. Can attest to not dipping your pen in company ink as well as dating a woman with a snake !

    …bad decisions DO make great stories though.

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